A letter to myself: Get up

Do you know what your problem is?

You know where you want to go. But the small victories along the way are holding you back.

You make a decision and set off, then you get tired and bored. And just when you’re about to give up, an apple tree appears before you, and you feel happy. The taste of that apple reminds you why you set out in the first place, and you feel rejuvenated. But you linger under that tree for so long. So afraid of going hungry again, that the only thing you eat is the apple, and the only place you stay is in the tree’s shade. That familiar anxiety of not belonging there can’t compete with the fullness in your stomach. You aren’t hungry anymore , yet you remain rooted to the spot like a stone, poison coursing through your veins.

You know you aren’t where you’re supposed to be, that you must set out on the road, and that you shouldn’t let the foolish distractions along the way hold you back or delay you this much. Yet you still get caught up in them.

Aren’t you tired of being late? Of wasting time in a place where you don’t grow at all? You are not the tree in this story.

Do you know what your problem is?

You know what you want in love. You’ve been without love for too long to figure this out. You’ve been hurt too much to figure this out. Right now, you’re so close to what you want that even if you’ve never had it, you can already imagine how it would feel.

But once you catch a whiff of it, you struggle to let go of the memories of the wrong people you once fell for and the unfulfilled dreams. Even though you’ve learned you can never build a future with them, and that there’s a reason they’re left behind—even though you know they won’t be enough to fill your dreams, desires, feelings, and heart—you let the foolish ghosts of the past take hold of you because they’re here now, not in an uncertain future.

Because you can’t wait.

I understand.

You deserve the most beautiful kind of love, but haven’t you grown tired of suffering? Haven’t you grown tired of living the romance you deserve only in your dreams? Of making excuses to fit people into the roles in your mind? Let them go.

If they truly belonged in your story, you wouldn’t be alone in this moment.

My dear, beautiful, kind baby.

You know what you want in life, what makes you happy, what inspires you, how to live your life, and how to make yourself happy.

You know everything.

You’ve learned it all!

Yeey!

You’re doing everything we need. And I’m so proud of you.

There are so many things you haven’t been able to experience. And I know you long for them. You have all the right to feel that way. I know.. You can mourn and weep for all the things you never got to experience, for all the loves that remained unfulfilled, for all the words and emotions you couldn’t pour out to. But then.

Then you must get up.

Take my hand and get up honey.

I know you’re smart and that you belong somewhere where you can use your intelligence and let your leadership shine. You belong among real people; where your voice and laughter are cherished, where tears are wiped from your cheek before you even have a chance to reach out, and where your shoulder is gently patted by strong hands. You belong to the magic of those touches, where someone as full of life, love, and gentleness as you has beautifully dedicated their life and love to you.

I know.

Just be patient a little longer. Just keep going.

It’s okay. I’m here. You’re not completely alone. And you’ll get everything you want. In fact, they’re already yours.

Just keep swimming*. I love you..

•••

Reyhan Bulut/ Missteria

*From Nemo movie.